


butterflies on wonwoo's way

by dogyeom



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Friends to Lovers, Jeon Wonwoo-centric, M/M, Pining, a lot of svt members are not very nice in this, mentions of sex but no smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:01:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24814246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dogyeom/pseuds/dogyeom
Summary: “Maybe I should make a move on him first and just see how it goes. I need to stop waiting around for guys.”Yeah, Wonwoo thinks. Me fucking too.
Relationships: Jeon Wonwoo/Lee Seokmin | DK
Comments: 8
Kudos: 66





	butterflies on wonwoo's way

**Author's Note:**

> i rewrote this from a seokhan fic that i wrote about three years ago. i wanted to edit it and reupload but as seokmin x wonwoo because they're my favourite seventeen pairing :> so yeah... if you recognise any parts of this that's why! also if there's mistakes i am sorry i checked this at 5am and i'm not a very good writer.

_ In all my life, the moments I've had...  _ _  
_ _ I don't have you. _

**~*~**

“Do you think Mingyu likes me?”

Wonwoo’s head snaps up from the textbooks that he wasn’t reading. It was almost one in the morning and they were still in the library cramming for their respective finals. Wonwoo hadn’t been concentrating for a while, and neither had his companion - it seems. Seokmin watches him with glazed eyes from across the table, a pen hanging from his mouth.

“Mingyu?” Wonwoo already hates this conversation. 

“Yeah…” Seokmin says. He plucks the pen from his mouth with a dramatic,  _ Lee Seokmin _ sigh. “Kim Mingyu, you know him.”

“Everybody knows Kim Mingyu.” 

Seokmin closes his eyes and leans his head on his hand. Wonwoo gets the sudden urge to rip out a piece of paper from his notebook, scrunch it up and throw it at the boy’s stupid, adorable face. 

“I know.” Seokmin says with a whine. There’s honey dripping from the younger boy’s eyes. Wonwoo knows the look - he’s all too familiar with it as a romanticist, Aquarian Seokmin is prone to falling in and out of love almost every fortnight. Wonwoo also sees it in his own eyes sometimes. When he looks in the mirror after a library rendezvous with Seokmin that leads to the pair spending hours laughing about stupid things and talking shit in a campus cafe or diner in town - or, in the silly Polaroid pictures that Seungcheol insists on taking at someones flat party. He’ll slip the ones he knows Wonwoo will want into his pocket with a knowing smile, the fuzzy picture showing Wonwoo watching Seokmin, who has his head thrown back in drunken glee. He recognises the look there too. 

“But - I’ve talked to him a bunch of times and he is really,  _ really _ nice to me… like, I think he flirts with me, you know? Maybe he has a crush on me.”

Wonwoo curls his hand into a tight fist.

“Or maybe I’m deluded. Probably that.” Seokmin leans back in the library chair and picks up his pen again. Wonwoo pretends to be writing something in his notebook. He is absolutely  _ not _ distressed nor even remotely interested in Seokmin’s latest lovestruck lament.

“He’s so fucking handsome.” Seokmin appears to be struggling to abide by the strict rule of minimal volume in the library so Wonwoo kicks his shin under the table. “It’s just not  _ fair _ . How can he walk around looking like a damn runway model but when you talk to him he’s like, this adorable little puppy.”

Wonwoo rolls his eyes. He wants Seokmin to think he’s teasing, a  _ here-he-goes-again _ response. Inside he really wants to tell him to shut the hell up. 

“Maybe I should make a move on him first and just see how it goes. I need to stop waiting around for guys.”

_ Yeah _ , Wonwoo thinks.  _ Me fucking too _ .

**~*~**

“Guess what?” Seokmin all but screams in Wonwoo’s ear as he slips into the chair next to him in their lecture hall. Wonwoo was trying to catch a few minutes of a nap before their tardy professor arrived but his megaphone of a best friend had other plans.

“What?” Wonwoo snaps, nursing his temple with his fingers to emphasise the nuisance of Seokmin’s rude intrusion.

“I wouldn’t have to tell you if you had come out with me and Josh last night.” Seokmin says with a roll of his eyes as he slips his phone from his pocket and kicks his feet up onto the desk.

“I was tired.” Wonwoo pushes forward so that he is leaning on the desk, his cheek pressed to his forearm. He spares the rude remark about how he’d rather stick needles in his eyes than go  _ out on the town _ with Joshua Hong lest he wish to end the night in hospital or a prison cell. 

“Well, while your lazy ass was sleeping,  _ I _ was getting off with Kim Mingyu in an  _ Eclipse _ bathroom.” Seokmin says it like he’s telling him he won the Euromillions. Wonwoo doesn’t mean to snap up from his desk so quickly.

“What?” Seokmin asks, a face full of innocence.

“You kissed Mingyu?” Wonwoo tries to keep his voice calm and unbothered.

Seokmin grins, his face full of sun. “Yeah. I told you he liked me.  _ And _ ! I didn’t even approach him first, he came to me. Josh said he was eyeing me all night but I didn’t believe him.”

“Did you…you know…” Wonwoo swallows. He doesn’t know why he asked because he certainly does not want to hear the answer. 

“No.” Seokmin sighs, as if to say, ‘No, we didn’t have sex…  _ unfortunately _ .’ Wonwoo’s fists clench without him even realising it until his fingernails are pressing painfully into the skin. He’s not sure why he puts himself through this. He wants to clamp his hands over his ears and obnoxiously sing  _ la la la la  _ until Seokmin gets the message and never speaks about his sexual (or  _ almost _ sexual) conquests to him again. “Josh and I went home pretty early. We just snogged for a bit and he gave me his number. I’ve been too scared to text him.”

Wonwoo doesn’t say anything.  _ Dear God _ , he thinks.  _ Spare my poor, homosexual, stupid, yearning soul. _

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing.” Wonwoo almost snaps but manages to save face at the last minute.

“Alright then.” Seokmin shuffles back in his chair to get a comfortable position. “Anyway, Josh says that he should be coming to Cheol’s party on Sunday, so I might get my chance again. Would it be forward of me to ask him out? Josh says it isn’t.”

“Well if  _ Josh _ says so.”

“Seriously, Wonwoo, who pissed all over your toast this morning?”

“No one.” Wonwoo sighs and shoots Seokmin a weak smile. “I told you - I’m just really tired.”

“You should get an early night tonight.”

“OK, mummy.”

Seokmin grins again and Wonwoo feels a sickly warmth spread all over his skin.

“I might nap too,” Seokmin says, shuffling back into his seat and crossing his arms across his broad chest. “Got fuck all sleep last night and I have a shit hangover. Hope I dream about kissing Kim Mingyu.”

Wonwoo scowls at the back of the seat in front of him. He wants to kill Kim Mingyu.

**~*~**

Wonwoo stumbles into the first door on Seungcheol’s landing in his desperate hunt for a toilet, which is where he sees Boo Seungkwan straddling Kim Mingyu’s lap on top of a tousled bed. Their mouths are pressed together and Mingyu’s hands are moving inside Seungkwan’s underwear. Neither of them notice Wonwoo as he steps in, stares for a beat with his mouth hanging open, then steps out again - almost slamming the door as he goes. He trips and slips his way downstairs and into the kitchen, ignoring his screaming bladder as he reaches for another drink.

“Jeon Wonwoo!” Seokmin pretty much screams as he shoves the door open with his backside and skips his way over to where Wonwoo leans against the sink. “Care to explain where the fuck you’ve been?”

“Dancing,” He lies.

Seokmin laughs at him with a  _ yeah right _ look. “I know you’re hiding in here, you bitch.” He slurs over his words. “Oh, well, you probably haven’t seen Mingyu anyway. I’ve been trying to find him but I’m pretty sure he didn’t even show up. Joshua Hong is going to have an abnormally long foot up his arse by the end of the night, that’s for sure.”

Wonwoo scowls. He’s been doing that a lot lately. 

He takes a deep breath before going to say what he wants to, suddenly feeling full of liquid confidence. “Look, Seokminnie... I’m gonna be honest with you, I don’t think it’s a good idea to go after Mingyu.” He almost chokes on it, filling his mouth with cider once the words are out as if he’s trying to put them back in.

Seokmin’s eyebrows immediately pinch together. “What do you mean?”

“I just…” Wonwoo sighs and moves a hand over his face, pushing his fingers up behind his glasses and rubbing his eyes. He’s so tired. 

It makes him feel physically sick with jealousy to even just listen to the boy (that he’s been pathetically pining after for two years)  _ speak _ about other men. And yes - he selfishly wants to do what he can to make sure that Seokmin doesn’t end up with someone else despite the fact that Wonwoo has never, not once, acted on his feelings through the all-consuming fear of losing their precious friendship. With that being said, he would rather walk across hot coal than ever look into a face full of Lee Seokmin’s pain knowing that he was the deliverer of it.  _ But is it really sabotage if I literally walked in on his crush jacking off another guy and am just warning him to not chase after a two-timing asshole who will bring him suffering and heartbreak? That’s what a good, kind and not-pathetically-in-love-and-jealous friend does, right? _ The voice in his head is cold and bitter when he wants it to be reasonable. 

“I think Mingyu’s not… he’s not good for you. He hooked up with Seungkwan earlier. As in Boo Seungkwan, you know? I accidentally… I walked in on them. Um, by accident. Yeah... Like, he doesn’t want a relationship. He just wants to get in your pants. I’ve heard things about him too. He sleeps around  _ a lot _ . He’s a player, I think.”

“Boo Seungkwan?” Wonwoo nods. His heart snaps in two at the disbelief and underbelly of hurt in his tone. 

After a cold moment, Seokmin scoffs. “As if.”

“I told you, I walked in on them when I was—“

“Mingyu wouldn’t… We’ve been talking for weeks.” Seokmin stares at the ground for seconds on end, as if he’s trying to work something out. As if he’s trying to come up with  _ something _ , something to convince Wonwoo - or himself - that it couldn’t possibly be true. Wonwoo wishes he hadn’t spoken at all. 

“I know you liked him a lot, Seokminnie, but—“

Seokmin snaps, very suddenly and loudly, making Wonwoo jump out of his skin. He almost drops the can in his hand onto the kitchen tiles. “God... are you fucking.. fucking  _ jealous _ of me or something? Are you that bitter? I know you don’t get out much and you haven’t gotten laid in months or whatever, but… Jesus, do you really have to spoil my love life just because you haven’t got one of your own?”

There’s a pulsating beat of silence as Wonwoo’s mouth opens and closes like a goldfish. 

“Maybe you should mind your fucking business, Wonwoo.” 

Seokmin stomps out of the kitchen like a child throwing a temper tantrum, dramatically slamming the door behind him. A few horrifically quiet minutes pass and Wonwoo realises that there are tears on his cheek when he hiccups over a sob. 

**~*~**

It only takes a day (and a half) for Seokmin to talk to Wonwoo again. He knocks on the door of the apartment he shares with Soonyoung and all but collapses on top of him when Wonwoo opens the door.

“ _ I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry _ .” Seokmin mumbles into Wonwoo’s shoulder. The elder’s arms tighten automatically around Seokmin’s frame, savouring the warmth of his embrace like it’s his last meal. “I didn’t mean it, any of it. I don’t know why I turn into the biggest prick of all time when I drink. I’m not mad at you. And you were right, you’re always right. Kim Mingyu is a piece of shit and I hate all six feet of him.”

Wonwoo chuckles. “It’s alright, Seokminnie.”

“I fucking hate it when we’re not talking. Feels like the world has ended.”

Wonwoo laughs again, slumping down onto his tiny sofa which prompts Seokmin to copy. “Let’s never fight again. Especially not over  _ boys _ . What are we, fifteen?”

“It feels that way.”

“We’ve never really argued before,” Wonwoo speaks small. He doesn’t want Soonyoung and his nosy ears to overhear anything he admits to Seokmin, sparing himself from the humiliation that his roommate will poke in his face once the younger leaves. “I hate it so much.” 

Seokmin gives a close-mouthed smile. There’s something intensely endearing about it, and Wonwoo can’t help but stare in ridiculous love-struck awe. Seokmin makes everyone so used to his impossibly wide, dazzling grin; all of his strangely perfect teeth on display and eyes curving adorably. This little smile is something more particular, personal. It’s a kind that is only seen when private jokes or sentimental words are shared. It makes Wonwoo feel special — and he wants Seokmin to feel like that too. He wants Seokmin to look into his face and feel that childlike, fluttering sensation that’s almost sickly in his chest and stomach. The way he does. He wants Seokmin to feel the way he does. 

“Yeah,” Seokmin sighs heavily and folds his arms over his chest, then lets out a little breathy laugh. “I guess we’re just perfect for each other.”

Seokmin doesn’t notice but Wonwoo almost bursts into tears.

**~*~**

It’s only two weeks before Seokmin is hanging all over another irritatingly handsome stud and two weeks before Wonwoo is back down his self-dug ditch of pity and despair. This time it’s Yoon Jeonghan, a friend of Seungcheol who is the kind of devastatingly beautiful that you could only find in those fluffy, romantic dramas that Seokmin drools over. He attends the art school that shares their campus and is known by many of the student population for his stupidly good looks and star player status on the universities’ joint hockey team. Jihoon had reported everything to Soonyoung and Wonwoo while they ate boxed sandwiches and crisps in the student union. Wonwoo finds that he is regularly informed on dozens of people’s personal lives through the unexpected gossip that is Lee Jihoon. 

Seokmin was introduced to Jeonghan through Seungcheol at one of their hockey matches. It appeared that Jeonghan had taken to the younger boy instantly and they were already at the stage where they were all over each other’s social media stories and Seokmin was constantly on the curious lips of Jeonghan’s gaggle of admirers. Everyone and their mother is obsessed with Yoon Jeonghan. Not Wonwoo - at least, not in the same way. 

Wonwoo scowls into his cup of cheap, shit beer. He’s pretending that he’s not watching them closely as Seokmin giggles and flirts and chatters non-stop to the blond hockey player. Wonwoo wants to storm over to them and drag Seokmin away by the hand in a dramatic scene. He wants to get up in Yoon Jeonghan’s face and tell him that Seokmin is unavailable -  _ not his to have _ . He wants to tell Seokmin that he shouldn’t kiss anyone else but him because it makes him want to cry and scream and break things when he sees him with other boys. He doesn’t. He doesn’t because he never does and he never will. He doesn’t because he’s scared. He’s terrified of rejection, especially if it’s from Seokmin. Seokmin who he’s spent almost every single day of the past two years in the pocket of. Seokmin who he adores more than anyone he’s ever known. He doesn’t because he’s not an obnoxious and self-entitled dick. He doesn’t because he does not fucking _ own _ Seokmin and the younger boy doesn’t owe him a goddamn thing. 

Instead, he resorts to drowning himself in disgusting concoctions of cheap drink and shifting across Seungcheol’s living room in an embarrassing, drunken attempt at dancing until someone who looks cute through the glaze in his eyes chooses to take him home. This comes in the form of Lee Chan, a second year who he’s spoken to before all of one time. He’s very cute and has a kind voice and he even holds Wonwoo’s hand when they stumble out the front door of Seungcheol’s flat. He’s lovely and he’s  _ good _ and Wonwoo thinks that - despite it being a one-night stand that probably means nothing to him - Chan deserves someone significantly better than Wonwoo. Wonwoo who lies back and thinks of eye smiles, soft curly hair and the smell of baby powder and honey as Chan moves on top of him. 

It’s a nasty,  _ nasty _ habit. Something that Seungcheol or Soonyoung will certainly reprimand him for in the morning, but he doesn’t care. It’s become a constant routine for Wonwoo, as has pretending that Seokmin isn’t wrapped up in the arms of someone better than him and the strangers that drag him by the hand into hotel rooms and cramped bedrooms are really his best friend. His Seokmin.

After Wonwoo has stumbled through his walk of shame in the morning and crawled under his own duvet to nurse his pounding hangover and aching heart, he tunes into white noise after picking up a call from Seokmin, who rattles down the line about how _ wonderful, perfect, handsome, sweet, lovely and fucking incredible _ Yoon Jeonghan is.

**~*~**

Jeonghan and Seokmin don’t last.  _ He’s too popular. It’s like dating a celebrity or something. Too much hassle. _ Seokmin explains it to Wonwoo so nonchalantly, as if it doesn’t bother him at all. As if he was never declaring that Yoon Jeonghan was the man of his dreams merely weeks ago. 

Over Christmas, Seokmin starts seeing Xu Minghao — another handsome friend-of-a-friend from the art school (another pretentious twat that’s in love with himself, as Wonwoo tells Soonyoung) that Seokmin first met through Jeonghan in September. 

The two of them get serious. This subsequently means that Wonwoo sees a lot less of Seokmin. When Wonwoo asks Seokmin to get coffee and their favourite muffins before they finish for the winter break, he’s going ice-skating with Minghao. When Wonwoo invites Seokmin to spend Christmas Eve with him and his parents, he’s doing last minute shopping with Minghao. When Wonwoo tells him to come with him to Seungcheol’s annual New Years party, he’s spending the holiday with Minghao at his arty friends’ firework display. The two of them get more and more serious until Wonwoo no longer receives any of those incessant calls from Seokmin to rant or gush or daily texts asking to copy notes or cram at the library. So he’s spending the rest of his break locked in his room, finishing papers and streaming the shitty romance dramas that Seokmin loves in some twisted form of masochism that’s all too typical of Jeon Wonwoo.

That is until Soonyoung forces his way through the barricade that is Wonwoo’s bedroom door to find him wrapped up like a sausage roll in his duvet, pathetic tears dried up in streaks on his face.

“I don’t know what to say, Wonwoo.” Soonyoung sighs, feeding his roommate with toast and a cup of tea. “It’s easier said than done to just get over it. I know that… but, I don’t know. It’s not worth it if it’s always going to make you feel like this. And I think Seokmin is just going to be ignorant for the rest of his life.” 

Wonwoo sniffs. He hates this wise, tough-love version of Soonyoung but he doesn’t have the energy to protest or kick him out of his room.

“At the same time, he’s never going to know if you don’t tell him. It won’t do either of you any good to keep this up, repressing your feelings until it’s too painful to look at him or you just end up drifting apart. You think that you’ll lose him if you confess but you’ll lose him if you aren’t honest with him. I know that Seokmin thinks the world of you. No matter what you say, no matter how many guys he fucks around with, he loves you. I know he does. You guys are like two peas in a pod.”

“He has a boyfriend.” Wonwoo hates the sound of his own voice as he wallows. “He doesn’t love me. He never has.”

“Whether it’s the way you love him or not, he  _ loves _ you. You think that if you confess to him he’ll never speak to you again and you’ll lose him forever but I’m telling you, that will happen if you  _ don’t _ . Lying to him, pretending everything’s fine, burrowing yourself away like a mole when he’s with other guys and blaming it on him will make you lose him. I know Seokmin well enough to know that if he were to reject you he wouldn’t turn you away in disgust. Maybe… maybe you’d be able to get closure. Knowing his true feelings, they will help you ease your own pain whichever way they go.”

Wonwoo thinks about it. He thinks about telling Seokmin, confessing the feelings of love and adoration that he’s been harbouring for over two years. He thinks about Seokmin’s face falling in pity. He thinks about his honey-like voice saying  _ Oh Wonwoo. I love you but… not in that way. We should just stay friends, yeah? _ He thinks about vomiting all over himself then jumping off a bridge.

“He has a  _ boyfriend _ . He’s with Minghao.”

Soonyoung just shakes his head. “That won’t last. When have they ever.”

**~*~**

Soonyoung is right. Seokmin and Minghao break up a week before Valentine’s Day. Something about Minghao not feeling the same way, finding his clinginess irritating and just generally being bored of him. From what Seokmin relays to Wonwoo between hysterical sobs and mouthfuls of reheated takeaway, it seems like Minghao was a lot more than unkind and had been leading Seokmin on the whole time. Wonwoo wants to strangle him.

“I don’t understand,” Seokmin whines, his tear-stained face pressed into Wonwoo’s side as the older boy threads his fingers softly through his hair. “Why won’t anyone love me? This always fucking happens. Always. I always get screwed over. What am I doing  _ wrong _ ?”

Wonwoo’s fingers almost tighten in his hair. He wants to scream. Wants to grab a hold of Seokmin’s shoulders and shake him until he sees. He wants to yell.  _ I love you. I love you so much. Oh my God, I love you. Why can’t you see? I’m right here. I’m right here. Seokmin, please. Have me. I’ll give you everything. _

But Wonwoo stays silent, like always. He lets Seokmin tighten his arms around him and softly cry into his shoulder until he falls asleep. Wonwoo closes his eyes but doesn’t let himself slip into slumber. He wants to treasure the sensation of Seokmin’s hot breath against the skin of his neck, his body heavy in his arms as they lay on the sofa. Wonwoo finds comfort in the way that he can feel Seokmin’s heartbeat against him and the soft little almost-snores from his mouth. He can have this moment. The boy he loves wrapped around him, seeking comfort from him. He can have this, for now. 

**~*~**

It doesn’t take long for Seokmin to get over Minghao and move on to another squeeze.  _ Like fucking clockwork _ . Soonyoung says to him before pulling him into a pity hug. Wonwoo doesn’t refuse it.

Wonwoo very nearly passes out when he walks into their favourite café at eight o’clock in the morning to find Seokmin pressed up against Wen Junhui from Soonyoung’s dance academy in a booth at the back. He tries his best to make himself completely hidden from the pair, but Seokmin’s eagle eye spots him as he’s frantically pouring sweeteners into his Americano as quick as he can so he can make an escape.

“ _ Wonwoo _ !”

Wonwoo turns on his heel and feigns his best look of surprise. “Hey, Seokminnie. I didn’t see you here.”

Seokmin gives a small laugh at his awkwardness. “This is Junhui. Jun, this is my friend Wonwoo.”

My  _ friend _ Wonwoo.  _ Friend _ . _ Friend friend friend friend friend friend _ .

Wonwoo bites the inside of his cheek. He won’t cry. He’s cried enough for a whole lifetime and he  _ won’t _ cry in front of Seokmin. “Yeah, we’ve met before.” He manages.

“I have a class with Soonyoung and I’ve been to their flat a couple of times. I didn’t know you guys were close.” Junhui says with a genuine smile. Wonwoo wants to feel sorry for him.

Seokmin smiles back. “Yeah, Wonwoo is like my brother.”

Wonwoo nearly drops his drink. “Sorry, I’m late already so I have to run. It was lovely to see you, Junhui.”

Seokmin and Junhui date for three and a half months and Wonwoo pretends to be happy for them. He pushes through with work and school as much as he sometimes feels like he wants to die. He puts on a warm smile when Seokmin natters to him about whatever restaurant or movie  _ Junnie _ took him to. He lets Seokmin prioritise Junhui over him like he’s supposed to. He does his best to be a good friend. A friend that cares about him and what he gets up to with his  _ perfect boyfriend _ and how happy he is. And when Seokmin’s gone he can fall with tears onto Soonyoung, who shakes his head in disappointment and pity but comforts and coddles him all the same.

When Junhui dumps Seokmin out of nowhere at the end of summer, Wonwoo doesn’t see him for days. He hears from Jihoon and his Instagram feed that Seokmin has been going out. A lot. Not with their usual crowd, with other friends at other clubs. Wonwoo likes punishing himself, so he thinks about what Seokmin is doing after clicking through his Snapchat story and Twitter profile until his eyes burn and he rolls over to bury his head in his pillow. He lets the image of Seokmin drinking himself silly and slipping into bed with strangers keep him awake until he’s convinced himself that boys are stupid and love isn’t real and nothing in life is worth it because he will never be happy.

They do see each other again when Seungcheol throws a mandatory housewarming party to celebrate moving into a cozy flat with his girlfriend Saerom. Wonwoo finds Seokmin inebriated and half passed-out on the stairs way too early in the night. Seokmin immediately attaches himself to him like a koala bear and tangles their limbs together awkwardly. Wonwoo wants to take him back to his apartment, fill him with food and water and tuck him into bed. The feeling of his body warmth all over him and his hands clasped at his hip is unbearable. It chokes and suffocates Wonwoo but he doesn’t have the strength to move, nor does he want to. 

“No one wants to be with me.” Seokmin slurs through hiccups. “Everyone wants to date or fuck but no one actually wants to be  _ with _ me. I’m fun for a minute and then I get boring. No one wants to  _ keep _ me.”

Wonwoo doesn’t say anything. He can’t.

“I think... I think I’m gonna be alone forever.” Seokmin draws out a long, over-dramatic sigh.

“You won’t.” Wonwoo says, albeit weakly. He needs to be there for him. He needs to say something that won’t make the boy run away and never speak to him again. He forces himself to put the Good-Friend-Who-Is-Most-Definitely-Not-In-Love-And-Gives-Great-Advice mask on. He thinks about what Soonyoung would say to him when he’s crying over Seokmin kissing other boys and goes with that. “You’re too young to say stupid shit like that. You’re a student, you’ve got a whole life to take a crack at before worrying about settling down and shit.”

“Thing is,” Seokmin starts, as if he’s completely sober and about to share an intelligent and coherent bout of wisdom. “I was sad when Minghao dumped me. And Jun. I was sad, but not... ‘cause I liked them. I mean — I did like them, but… I think I was expecting it to be something else. The whole time I was with them it was like… not enough. I liked both of them, and I liked Jeonghan too, but I didn’t want to be with any of them. I was sad that they didn’t want me. It made me feel like shit. But… I got over it. ‘Cause I didn’t mind that much that I’d not see them again. I wanted a boyfriend so badly but... not them.”

Wonwoo feels his fingers twitch and he squeezes his eyes shut to fight the urge to say something so moronic that he knows he would regret until the day he took his last breath. He doesn’t notice that Seokmin has sat up to face him until he opens his eyes again and is met with every tiny detail of Seokmin’s beautiful face, illuminated by the weak light of the stairwell.

“Would it be strange if I kissed you right now?”

Wonwoo chokes, “Wh-what?”

“I want to kiss you.”

Wonwoo feels like he’s gonna be sick. “Seokmin... you’re very drunk.”

“We’ve kissed while drunk before.”

“We have?” Wonwoo is stuttering and he thinks that his face must look as bright as a tomato.

“Yeah,” Seokmin pushes his bottom lip out in a heartbreakingly adorable pout. “You don’t remember? We’ve snogged a bunch of times.” He giggles before adding, “You’re  _ very _ affectionate when you’re drunk.”

Wonwoo’s mouth feels painfully dry and he can hardly force himself to speak. “I… don’t remember any of that. Have we… have we done anything else?”

“No...” Seokmin is quick with the reply. There’s an indecipherable twist of his mouth. “Unfortunately.”

Wonwoo thinks that this has to be some sort of twisted joke. Seokmin is torturing him. He’s trying to  _ kill him _ . “What does that mean?”

Seokmin just giggles. “So, can I kiss you?”

“I…uh…” There’s a voice in Wonwoo’s head that is screaming and cursing at him in a million different languages, pounding against the front of his head. It sounds like Soonyoung or Seungcheol, or some celestial guardian angel that’s sitting on his shoulder and begging him to _not do_ _stupid fucking things_. 

“Okay.” He whispers it so quietly that it’s a surprise Seokmin even hears. 

Seokmin leans forward and presses his lips to Wonwoo’s so quickly that he almost tips backwards to hit the wall. Wonwoo feels dizzy and dazed and lets Seokmin’s mouth move against his for seconds on end before finally melting against him, ignoring the sirens and deafening alarm bells in his head telling him to  _ stop _ . He knows this is wrong and stupid, he knows that this will not solve anything and he knows that if Seokmin remembers it in the morning it could ruin everything and leave him - or, more accurately, Soonyoung - having to pick up the pieces of his shattered heart. But the way Seokmin’s lips feel soft and wet against his, the way the younger’s hand comes to rest at his hip, the way he tilts his head to the side and slips his tongue in — it’s completely discombobulating and Wonwoo cannot physically will himself to pull away.

Seokmin sighs sweetly against his mouth and pulls away with a satisfied sounding hum, before shifting closer to Wonwoo on the step and lifting his hands up to the older boy’s face. Wonwoo’s own hands fly on instinct to settle at Seokmin’s waist as they slowly kiss more.

Wonwoo doesn’t want to look Seokmin in the eye when they pull away again. He doesn’t have to, because Seokmin collapses back against the stairs and is half asleep by the time Wonwoo can even breathe again.

**~*~**

Wonwoo avoids Seokmin to the best of his ability. He knows that Seokmin probably can’t even remember what happened between them on the stairwell, but he hides from him like a coward nonetheless. He’s terrified of what Seokmin might say if he does remember — that it didn’t mean anything or that it was just for fun. The thought of confrontation despite it being Seokmin who initiated the kiss makes his skin crawl from head to toe. He’s also kind of terrified of  _ knowing _ that Seokmin can’t remember, and that he’ll move on as if it never happened and he didn’t feel anything when Wonwoo did. Wonwoo felt everything.

For someone who is often eulogized for his intelligence, Wonwoo is very stupid. He takes to shoving all of his problems, worries and feelings into a box and burying it six feet in the ground as if it is the optimal solution to everything. He knows it’s fruitless, it won’t solve the pain that nibbles at his heart or the bubbling anxiety that he feels everytime he hears Seokmin’s name mentioned in conversation with Soonyoung and his other friends or catches a glance of him on campus (how is it that there’s thousands upon thousands of students at their university yet he sees him absolutely everywhere, anyway? He even went to the ridiculous extent of skipping the lectures that they share and catching up online) and it certainly won’t make him think about how Seokmin’s lips felt pressed against his any less. 

He’s lying on his bed with his laptop between his legs when his phone buzzes in his hand, a notification with Seokmin’s name attached to it. Wonwoo feels his heart sink into his feet. It’s not like he wasn’t expecting this. He’s surprised he didn’t text earlier, it had been exactly twelve days since the kiss on Seungcheol’s stairs. 

**From** **_seokminnie ♡_ ** : 

_ -> hey _ _  
_ _ -> why are u ignoring me _

Wonwoo goes to type out an answer but his fingers can’t move.

**From** **_seokminnie ♡_ ** : 

_ -> if this is because i kissed you… _ _  
_ _ -> i did ask _ _  
_ _ -> and you said yes _

Wonwoo watches as his phone pings incessantly with Seokmin’s messages. He doesn’t know what Seokmin wants from him. He doesn’t know why he’s doing this to him, with the vice-like grip he has around Wonwoo’s heart. He doesn’t know why he’s suddenly so cruel.

**From** **_seokminnie ♡_ ** : 

-> _ if you didn’t want it you should’ve said no _ _  
_ _ -> or you could have told me after _ _  
_ _ -> i didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable _ _  
_ _ -> i won’t do it again _ _  
_ _ -> please talk to me _   
  


He could just reply. He could tell him right now. Wonwoo’s head hurts with panic and fear and confusion. 

**From** **_seokminnie ♡_ ** : 

-> _ i’m sorry _ _  
_ _ -> i miss you _

Wonwoo flops back on his bed like a rag doll just as the tears begin to threaten the corners of his eyes. He wants to scream and kick and thrash against his bed or throw something across the room and watch it smash against the wall. His skin feels like it’s on fire and he wants more than anything to just pick up the phone and press call and tell him… tell him everything that he’s kept inside and known for the best part of three years now. He wants to tell him everything that’s been eating at him, not just for the sake of chasing his heart but to just be  _ honest _ . For once, he wants to be honest with the boy that he loves instead of biting back truths and pretending to be okay with him not wanting the same.

_I love you. I love you so fucking much that it makes me sick and_ _everytime we’re near each other all I can thinking about is holding your hand or kissing you and I hate it when you talk about other boys and I just wish that you would look at me like I’m your entire world_.

He could put his heart out on a plate and Seokmin could take a kitchen knife and chop it up into a million pieces and the fear of that consumes him whole.

It’s twenty-three minutes after the bubble of  _ i miss you _ from Seokmin pinged through when Wonwoo picks up his phone and taps out a message.

**From** **_ <wonwoo3:_ **

-> _ i need to see you _

It takes Seokmin a lot less than twenty three minutes to get to his apartment and Wonwoo wonders if he was waiting outside the building the whole time. When he arrives, they just stare at each other in a painfully awkward silence until Seokmin finally pushes Wonwoo down onto the sofa and sits across from him, his face knitted together in an expression that Wonwoo doesn’t think he’s ever seen on him.

“I—“

“Let me start.” Seokmin says, his voice rather stern. Wonwoo feels extremely unnerved at the uncharacteristic way that he’s behaving.

Seokmin sighs and picks at loose threads on the couch pillow, but he keeps his eyes on Wonwoo while the latter is struggling to not look away. “I don’t really know where to start but… First, I want to say that I’m sorry.”

Wonwoo thinks he’s going to cry at any second. He does not like where this is going in the slightest.

“I’m gonna tell you some things… Some things that I did — and said — to you. I just want to say that I’m sorry first, before I explain anything to you. I want you to know that all of what I’m going to say… I’m not proud of it. I was selfish. I was very stupid and I’m sorry. And I’m sorry for putting you through this now.” Seokmin sighs again, then shuffles back onto the sofa to make himself more comfortable. Or to put distance between them. Wonwoo has to force himself not to read into it. “I made a huge mistake. Not one… but several. A lot.  _ Fuck _ , I’m not good at this.

“With Mingyu, then Jeonghan… and Minghao and Jun... and all those other guys in between who I can’t remember their names right because they were for one-night and I hated it. I… I didn’t want any of them. I never…”

Seokmin trails off, looking around the room as if he’s searching for something to give him the willpower to carry on. Wonwoo just stares at the side of his face, his brain drawing a complete blank.

“I know I said this to you at Cheol’s but… I didn’t like Mingyu. Or Jeonghan or Jun… I- I mean... I  _ liked _ them. I thought I did. I don’t know… They’re all great, but… I didn’t  _ want _ any of them. It didn’t start with Mingyu, though. I thought he would be a distraction. But then by the time we broke up, it hadn’t changed. And you weren’t really talking to me so I thought that someone like Jeonghan or Minghao might make you a bit more mad but then that was even worse. With Jun, it was kind of different, and I thought that maybe I was getting over it and I would fall in love with him and we would be serious. But I was wrong. It didn’t work. None of it ever worked.”

“Seokmin,” It sounds like a gasp when Wonwoo speaks. “I don’t understand.”

Seokmin looks into his eyes and Wonwoo sees something shift in them. 

“You wanna know the reason why Jun dumped me? I never told you or anyone else for a reason.” Seokmin asks it so suddenly that it takes Wonwoo off guard. 

“It’s because I said your name instead of his. Twice… once was when we were, um… having sex. The other time, I don’t remember. I was very drunk. He told me about it in the morning, he was taking me home and he told me that he loved me and I said  _ ‘I love you too, Wonwoo _ .’.”

Wonwoo’s ears are ringing. 

“Everything I did… I don’t know. I spoke to Jihoon about it and I… I think that it was to make you jealous. I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea, I guess I was just sick of sitting on my hands and waiting for you to fall in love with me. You were always so… so distant. You were there but you could never  _ see me _ . I guess, I always thought that you were too good for me and you wouldn’t ever see me that way unless I proved to you that I was desirable. I didn’t want to assume anything but… I know you. I know that our friendship means more to you than to just throw it away after I start seeing somebody so… I had hope. But then I kissed you and you hated it and you didn’t wanna see me again and it made me… it made me feel like I was dying inside.”

Wonwoo cannot speak. Seokmin looks at him again and there are tears in his eyes. But Wonwoo can’t speak, it’s like he’s forgotten how. 

“If you don’t want me to speak to you again, I understand.” Seokmin sighs and it’s full of defeat, his shoulders sinking with it. “I’m sorry. I just wanted… I wanted to tell you. I told Joshua, and Jihoon. And Jun knows too, I guess. I also told my mum last Christmas when I was meant to be with Minghao and um - I guess my point is that I thought that it would be unfair for all these people to know that I’m in love with my best friend when he doesn’t know himself. Jihoon also said it might feel better if I, um... Got it off my chest.”

“I’ll go now. I’m sorry, Wonwoo.”

Wonwoo doesn’t move to stop him, he just watches as Seokmin walks out the door of his apartment and shuts it behind him. 

  
  


**~*~**

Wonwoo doesn’t sleep. When Soonyoung returns home after his dance class he tells him that he looks like he’s seen a ghost. Wonwoo doesn’t tell him. He’s not really sure what to say. 

_ Seokmin loves him _ . 

Seokmin is in love with him. Lee Seokmin, who Wonwoo has been helplessly pining after for three years since they met in their first year of university. Lee Seokmin, who Wonwoo had convinced himself would never be interested in him as he ran through boys and gushed to him about how wonderful they were and would never look at him with honey in his eyes like how he looked at Kim Mingyu and Yoon Jeonghan and Xu Minghao and how  _ Wonwoo _ looked at  _ him _ . Lee Seokmin, who Wonwoo would imagine was the one kissing his neck with his hands on his hips whenever he went home with some handsome stranger that he picked in a shitty club. 

_ Lee Seokmin is in love with him _ . 

And Wonwoo let him walk out of his life and flat thinking that he didn’t want him. 

  
  


It was some time past three in the morning and Wonwoo was creeping over the landing and knocking on Soonyoung’s bedroom door. 

“Soonie,” he whispers into the dark. “Are you awake?”

A lamp flicks on. “Wonwoo, what’s the matter?”

He shuffles further into Soonyoung’s room. 

“Are you crying? Bro, what’s wrong?”

“Soonyoung… I’ve done something bad.”

“What is it? Is it Seokmin?”

At that, Wonwoo begins to sob. Soonyoung clambers out of his bed and reaches for his friend, guiding him to sit down on his covers. He cradles the younger’s head against his shoulder and let’s him cry onto his sleep shirt. 

“He told me,” Wonwoo hiccups out. “He loves me. He said.. He said he’s in love with me.”

“That’s… Wonwoo… Isn’t that good? He loves you back, that’s good! Why are you crying, what happened?”

“I didn’t… He left and I didn’t say anything and we kissed before but I started avoiding him because I was scared so he thinks that I don’t want him and he doesn’t wanna talk to me anymore because I think… I broke his heart. I broke his heart and I made him cry and I ruined everything. I  _ ruined everything _ because I’m an idiot and I hurt him. I hurt Seokmin.”

There’s silence for a while save for Wonwoo’s choked sobs and sniffles before Soonyoung springs off the bed all too suddenly, making Wonwoo jump and look up at him in confusion. 

“Jeon Wonwoo.” He speaks in a stern, maternal tone as Wonwoo looks at him like a deer caught in headlights. “Are you legitimately  _ stupid _ ?!”

Wonwoo lets out another sob as Soonyoung shouts. 

“Wh-”

“What the fuck are you doing? Why the hell are you here, sobbing into my shoulder like your lover has been shipped off to war and you’ll never see him again? Why are you wallowing in self-pity as if there isn’t a perfectly good solution to all of your problems? Why are you coming to me?”

“Don’t shout at me-”

“You are so frustrating, you know that? How many times are you going to bury your head in the sand whenever you find yourself in a situation where you have to get a grip and  _ do _ something about your problems? You’ve been in love with this boy for God knows how fucking long, lamenting to me everytime he gets a boyfriend and crying about how he’ll supposedly never love you back yet when he does miraculously confess to you, you just… let him walk away? Like that? Are you fucking  _ serious _ ?”

Wonwoo is breathing heavily. Soonyoung is right, and he knows that. Somewhere, very deep down, he knows that he is right. Soonyoung is silly and strange but he’s always  _ right _ . Wonwoo hates that he can look right into him, like he has X-ray vision into his brain and knows exactly what’s wrong with him in detail and it makes Wonwoo  _ so uncomfortable _ to be confronted with it. He doesn’t like his soul to be bared and looked at through a magnifying glass, even by Soonyoung. 

“He thinks I hate him, he thinks I don’t want to talk to him.”

“Oh... oh no. If only there were a simple way of maybe, letting him know that it isn’t the case by using words and  _ talking _ and… I don’t know, communicating your fucking feelings to avoid confusion!”

“I hate you.”

Soonyoung expression softens. “You know, Wonwoo. I really love you. You’re one of my closest friends on the planet. I want what’s best for you and I want you to be happy, you know that, don’t you?”

Wonwoo nods slowly. 

“So I’m saying this out of love, alright? Get off your  _ arse _ and go tell Seokmin that you’re madly in love with him and want to have sex with him everyday for the rest of your life, or I swear to God I will poison you.”

“Soonyoung, it’s four in the morning.”

“I don’t give a fuck.”

Twenty minutes later, Soonyoung is driving him in his own car to Seokmin and Jihoon’s flat because Wonwoo’s hands are too shaky to drive and he didn’t sleep at all beforehand. He wants to text Seokmin and warn him that he’s on his way so it doesn’t seem like an ambush, but if he is asleep he won’t see the text anyway. He’s also way too terrified of him and this situation and he can’t get his hands to stay still. 

It takes nineteen minutes and thirty six seconds to drive to Seokmin’s place. Wonwoo was staring at the clock on Soonyoung’s dashboard the entire time. 

“I’ll stay here.”

Wonwoo doesn’t move.

“Wonwoo,” Said boy looks up at Soonyoung, who has a wild grin on his face to Wonwoo’s utmost confusion. “Go get your man.”

It makes Wonwoo laugh, and that’s what he needs to drag himself out of his stupid best friend’s car and walk into Seokmin’s building. 

That was the thing.  _ Soonyoung _ is his best friend. He’s spent years telling people that it was Seokmin.  _ This is my best friend, Seokmin. Mum, my best friend Seokmin is coming over. Seokmin, my best friend. _ Seokmin introducing him to Jun as  _ my friend Wonwoo _ had felt like an iron fist punch straight to his gut and then some. Seokmin wasn’t his best friend. He had never been. Wonwoo thinks he'd been more than that from the moment they met. Wonwoo tripped and fell into his dazzling smile and his star and honey filled eyes. Wonwoo, who never thought he would fall in love easily, did. His world began and ended with Seokmin. It was always him. It would  _ always _ be him. 

He pushes the button by  _ 27C _ and waits. One… two… three times the bell rings before someone picks up. 

“Hello?” Jihoon. 

“Um, hi.. It’s, uh. It’s Wonwoo.”

“Wonwoo? What the fuck is wrong with you? It’s four thirty in the morning.” Jihoon almost growls through the line.

“I need… please can you let me up. I have to speak to Seokmin.”

“It couldn’t wait until the fucking morning..” Jihoon grumbles, but the buzzer blares before he’s finished speaking. Wonwoo wonders if Seokmin told him anything. 

He’s sprinting, two steps at a time, up the stairs to their floor and he practically screeches to a stop on his heels outside their door. He’s expecting Jihoon on the other side of the door when he knocks twice against the wood. A breath catches in his throat when Seokmin pulls the door back. His eyes are bleary with sleep and an oversized t-shirt hangs off his shoulders. He’s so beautiful it makes Wonwoo want to cry. 

“Seokmin.”

“If you’ve come to torture me some more, please go away. I’ve had enough heartache for… five years.” There’s defeat in his voice and it makes Wonwoo’s heart sink even lower. He never thought - for what felt like a million years he didn’t  _ think _ he could ever be capable of making Seokmin feel like this. Heartbreak. 

“I have to tell you, I-” Wonwoo pauses. He lets himself catch his breath. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I… I didn’t know what to say. You came out with everything so suddenly, I.. I didn’t know.. I thought you would never… Look, are we… can we not do this here? In the hall… Can I come inside? Or if you don’t want me to..”

Seokmin looks back at him, the face of bewilderment. “Do you want… to come into my room?”

Wonwoo nods and lets Seokmin lead him into his bedroom. He’s been in here before, a lot - but it feels so different right now. Smaller, hotter. He feels like he’s in a sauna, sweat sticking to his back and the bottom of his head where his hair tickles his neck. 

“I’m gonna…” Wonwoo takes a breath. Thinks.  _ Fuck _ . He should’ve planned this. “OK. Um, I…”

“You can sit down, if you want–”

“Seokmin, I love you.”

The room is silent. Wonwoo’s had enough of silence. “I love you.  _ In love _ . I’m in love with you. I didn’t say anything because… I was shocked. I didn’t think… I didn’t think you liked me back. I ignored you after the kiss because I was terrified that you only did it because you were drunk and lonely and upset about Jun and I didn’t want to see you because everytime I looked at you I thought about how it felt kissing you and how I wanted to do it again and… I love you. I have for so long. So long, fuck… since we met, I think. If not then… then… not long after that. I’m in love with you. I thought you would always see me as a friend, you always had boys running after you, you always wanted someone else. When you said all that earlier I… thought I was dreaming. I love you, Seokmin. So much. I wish… I should’ve told you. I should’ve… I shouldn’t have let you leave.”

Seokmin sobs. He doesn’t say anything for what feels like centuries but Wonwoo is grateful. He’s finally grateful for the silence as he catches his breath. He feels like every bone in his body has just lost the weight of the world.

“You… fucking idiot.”

“I know.”

“Fucking idiot.” He stumbles forward and Wonwoo catches him. “You  _ fucking dick _ . I love you.”

“I love you too. I really do, Seokmin.”

“ _ God _ .”

**~*~**

“Are you just going to sit on your arse until I’ve put everything away?” Seokmin huffs as he rips through  _ even more _ sellotape on  _ another _ cardboard box. This one is affectionately labelled ‘ _ Lots of useless cooking shit _ ’ in Wonwoo’s almost indecipherable scrawl. 

“We should order food later. After I set up the TV.” 

“Don’t ignore me.” Seokmin glares at his boyfriend who lounges with his hands behind his head on their brand new sofa, his feet crossed and propped up on the arm.

“I said I would set up the TV. It’s not like I’m letting you do all the work.”

“I unpacked the entire bathroom and all our clothes and am now halfway through the kitchen and you think pushing a couple of wires into the wall is sufficient enough for pulling your weight.”

“You sound upset,” Wonwoo teases, kicking himself up from the sofa and crossing over to the joint kitchen. He wraps his arms around Seokmin’s waist from behind and pushes his chin over his shoulder. A blush creeps up Seokmin’s neck and Wonwoo smirks because he can feel it. It’s been a year of them dating. Two months since they decided to move in together. Three weeks since they signed the contracts at the letting agency for their shared flat. Yet Seokmin still gets bashful when Wonwoo initiates physical affection as it’s usually the other way around.

“I’m very tired.” 

“You’ve worked really hard, baby. Wanna take a break?”

“The kitchen won’t unpack itself.” Seokmin groans. 

“We’ll order takeout. Don’t need all of this crap for tonight. I wanna cuddle with my boyfriend on our sofa that we bought together in our new flat that we live in together and I want to watch a shitty film together and eat even shittier food together. OK?”

“You’re dumb.”

“Well, you do rub off on me.”

“Fuck you.”

  
“I love you.”

  
  


**~*~**

_ Oh my love, as long as I have you… _ _  
_ _ I don’t feel so bad. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
